Behind the Lens Read online

  “Kallie, baby? Talk to me.” I feel my stomach turning, the comments, the photos, and I just let the phone slip out of my hand and smash to the floor. This is it. This is my biggest fear. Nothing will ever be the same. I’m finished.

  AS SOON AS I GOT home last night, I had every intention of taking a cab to Kallie’s. I decided to go for a smoke first, and that’s when Blake and Max came outside telling me I had better check Facebook. As soon as I pull it up and see the pictures of Kallie and me, I know she’s going to freak out. “Fuck.” I don’t even bother checking anything else. I close it and call her. It’s late, after three in the morning, but I don’t care. It keeps ringing and goes to voice mail. I don’t know if she’s ignoring me or sleeping. I call her over and over, never getting an answer. I wanted to drive over and pound on her door, but I figured I should wait.

  “Jax, it’s going to be fine, brother.” I look at Blake and light another cigarette.

  “I know that, you know that, Kallie is not going to know that. She’s been dreading this, and now that it is happening, I don’t know what the fuck will happen.” I keep calling her and nothing. She texted me earlier, I should have fucking looked at my phone then.

  “You know she’s probably sleeping. You are getting all worked up for nothing. Maybe she won’t even care.” I don’t even look at Max. I open Facebook back up and start reading. The comments are fucking horrible. They are all making her out to be a slut, sleeping with all her models.

  “Yea, you know what, Max, after she reads this shit, she won’t care.” I can’t stop looking now. Pictures of us in the club, out to dinner, and even ones from tonight out with the guys. Those are the best, people saying she dumped me, and I was out looking to mend my heart. Unfuckingreal.

  Max and Blake stayed with me all night until I finally got a hold of her. They went inside, and I tried breaking it to her as lightly as possible. I could hear it in her voice, the fear, but I stayed on while she looked at it all. I heard the sound of the phone hitting the floor, and my heart sank.

  That was three hours ago. I’ve been trying to get a hold of her since with no luck. I’m minutes away from driving over there, but to be honest, I’m still buzzed. I haven’t slept yet, and it is making it worse. I’ve smoked almost a pack of cigarettes and been pacing the patio. Blake comes out and hands me a cup of coffee. “Thanks.” I take a sip, willing it to sober me up.

  “No luck getting a hold of her?” I shake my head and sit down next to him. “Why don’t you let me take you over there? I won’t come in. I’ll wait in the car. She probably needs you right now. I sure as fuck know you need her.” This is why he’s my best friend. He’s not always the douche bag he acts like he is.

  “I just need to shower.” I get up and head to the door. I look back at him drinking his coffee and grin. “Blake.” He turns his head. “Thanks.” He nods, and I go to take a quick shower.

  After my shower and convincing myself that I’m over-reacting, we get into Blake’s black Ford F250 pickup. “You know, it’s not as bad as it looks. Personally, I think you should just ignore it all.”

  “Not a chance. I’m going to make a video post and tell them all that I’m in love with her.” He looks over at me and grins.

  “Kinda romantic of you, declaring your love to the world like that.” We both laugh, and I’m finally starting to feel better. Maybe it’s because I’m going to see her, or maybe it’s because I’m finally starting to not feel drunk. Either way, I have a feeling things are going to be just fine.

  We pull up to her place, and I look over at Blake. “Thanks, brother. If she doesn’t want to kick me in the nuts, I’ll text you and let you know. If she does, well, I’ll be back soon.” I go to get out, and he grabs my arm. I turn to look at him.

  “I know I gave you a hard time about this, but I want to see you guys make it. Don’t let her kick you to the curb without a fight.” I nod and get out of the truck. I take the stairs and make my way to her door. I try the handle, just in case, but for the first time, it’s locked. I knock and stand there with my heart beating so hard I can hear it in my ears. I knock a few more times before I finally hear the door being unlocked. She opens it, and my heart starts to bleed. She looks awful. Her hair is wild, makeup running down her face from crying, a blanket draped over her shoulders, and when she looks up at me, the sadness I see on her face is enough to make a grown ass man cry.

  “Kallie. Oh God, baby.” I go in to hug her, and she steps back.

  “I just can’t right now, Jax. I need time.” I grab a hold of the trim above the door and try to calm myself down.

  “You need time for what?” She shakes her head and looks down.

  “Why are you making this worse?” Making it worse, is she fucking kidding me?

  “I’m making this worse? Don’t you think you are being a little dramatic here? I told you our relationship was going to come out, this shouldn’t be a shock to you. You pushing me away isn’t going to fix anything.” She snaps her head up to me.

  “You think I’m being dramatic? Fans of yours are telling me I’m a slut. The only reason I got you to shoot for me was because I suck good dick. That I am a whore, a shitty photographer, that you can do so much better. My name is all over social media, trashing me, trashing my business. I’ve had three models cancel on me already today. So fuck you, if you think I’m being dramatic because I think I’m dealing with it a hell of a lot better than most people would.” She chokes back a sob, and I can’t take it, I drop my hands and grab her, holding her close.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’ll fix it all, but don’t shut me out now.” She melts into my arms, and I feel like I’ve gotten through. I kiss the top of her head, and it’s like I pulled her out of the trance she was in. She shoves at my chest, trying to get out of my hold.

  “I can’t do this. You need to go.” I hold her closer.

  “Look at me.” She lifts her head, sadness hitting me in the chest. “This isn’t over. I won’t let you give up on us. I told you it would be hard, but I need you to fight for us too.” She shoves my chest again, and I let go.

  “Just go.” I nod my head and take the two steps out to the hallway. When I start to turn around, she quickly closes the door. I walk down the hallway, and when I get into the stairwell, I punch the wall, over and over. The brick wall splits open my knuckles, and I feel the blood running down my hand, but I don’t give a shit. I hit the wall a few more times until the pain is so severe I can’t take it. I thought it would take the pain away from my bleeding heart, but it didn’t.

  “Fuck!” I hold my hand to my chest and go outside. Blake is standing by his truck smoking, and when he sees me, he throws it and runs over.

  “Holy shit, what the fuck happened?” He tries to check my hand, but I push him away. “Jax, what did you do?”

  “Well, let’s see. Kallie thinks this is all my fault, it’s already cost her jobs, she doesn’t want to see me, so I punched the shit out of a wall hoping it would take the pain away. Let me tell you, brother, it doesn’t, it only makes it worse.” I walk over to the truck and open the door, climbing up in it. I pull my shirt off and wrap it around my hand so I don’t get blood on his seat. He gets in and pulls out of the parking lot without saying a word. I’m grateful because I don’t feel like talking—not when the best thing that has ever happened to me is broken, and I can’t do shit to fix it.

  We don’t say anything on the ride home, and when we get there, I go right into the bathroom and wash my hand. My knuckles are swollen and shredded, just like my heart. I go into the kitchen and get some ice. I put it into a towel and hold it on my hand. I sit at the table and light a smoke. I need to figure out a way to fix this for her, even if she doesn’t take me back. She took a chance on me, broke all her rules for me, the least I could do is fix it. I just need to figure out how. I rest my head down on the table for a second before lifting it to take another drag. “You want to talk about it?” Brody sits down and hands me an ashtray.

  “Ho
w the hell did you find out?” He looks behind me, and I turn to see Blake.

  “He called me.” I look at my brother and realize I’ve turned into him. Blake was right. It may not have happened because of cheating, but I still ended up with my heart broken. Just like Brody. “This is fixable, Jax. You need to give it time.” I put out my cigarette and look at him.

  “I don’t have time.” I get up and go to leave the kitchen.

  “Don’t do this, Jax. You will look back and fucking regret it all. If you love her like you say you do, put up a fight.” I shake my head and go to my room to try to sleep. I close the door and kick off my shoes. I climb into bed, and within seconds, I fall asleep.

  I open my eyes and it is dark out. I reach over, feeling for Kallie, and then it hits me. It wasn’t a dream. I sit up and my hand is throbbing. I pick up my phone, checking the time, and I can’t believe I slept so long. It’s almost nine o’clock. I’ve never felt so broken before, not even when my parents left or when Brody got his heart smashed. I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life that I cried; nothing has ever hurt enough. When I feel a tear run down my cheek, I realize that this is the lowest point of my life.

  I wipe my face and go take another shower. I refuse to sit back and let this ruin me, ruin us. I get out and throw on my favorite black T-shirt with a skull on it that says, ’Live or Die.’ Pretty fitting for how I feel right now. I put on my jeans, dry my hair with a towel, and go out to the living room. Blake is watching TV and turns to me when I walk out. “How are you?” I grab a water out of the fridge and sit next to him.

  “Fucking horrible, but I’m not the guy who’s going to stay down. I’m going to fucking fight, because I told her I would.” He smiles and nods his head.

  “Now that is the Jax I know. What’s the plan?” I tell him exactly what I’m thinking, and the more I talk, the more excited I get. If this doesn’t work, well then, I’ll need to figure out a plan B.

  The next week, I stay off social media completely. I saw enough to know that it will only make me hit another wall. Brody and Blake haven’t left my side. As nice as it is, sometimes I just need to be alone. For the final part of my plan, I’ve decided to take a ride up to the park that Kallie found. It’s the perfect spot, and this way, I get to be alone for a while.

  The drive there brings back memories of the first time we made the ride. It seems like so long ago; we weren’t even together then. I think back on all the times we’ve spent laughing, hanging out, and all the nights I went to bed with a hard-on. The night we finally got together was the best night of my life. I mean, shit, I had fallen in love with her before she was even mine. That makes this radio silence on both our parts that much harder. Every day, I’ve picked up the phone to call her, but I know if I do, it will only make things worse. I need to follow through with what I have planned before I even think of making a move.

  When I get to the park, I make my way back to the waterfall. There is no other place that I would do this. The waterfall is the perfect spot.

  When I get home, I go inside and grin at Blake. “All done, brother.” When I sit down, he gives me a pound.

  “Fucking awesome. Hey, not to take away from that, but Shannon called while you were gone, and the shoot for that cover is soon. I’m so fucking stoked.” I’m so glad shit is coming together for him. He’s been very supportive of me this week, and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him.

  “That’s great. Do you have an exact date yet?” He shakes his head, flipping the channels.

  “She asked when I was available, so I gave her the dates. She was going to get in touch with everyone else and see what she could work out.”

  “Sweet.” I put my feet up on the table and my arms behind my head. “I’m going to load everything up on the computer, and after I post it, we are going out back to have a few drinks.” He laughs and gets up.

  “I better go grab some beer. You want Chinese?” Just the thought of it makes me think of Kallie.

  “Nah, pizza.” He leaves, and I decide to go get the laptop and get started.

  I didn’t expect it to take as long as it did, but I finally got everything taken care of. With my stomach in knots, I go outside and find Max and Brody sitting with Blake. “What the hell are you guys doing here? I thought you were going out?” Max hands me a beer and smiles.

  “Man, you think we would let you sit this one out on your own?” I smile and sit down at the table with them.

  “You act like I’m about to step into the lion’s den.” We all laugh, and I sip my beer.

  “Brother, you are about to.” Fuck, I am.

  THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST week of my life. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this; the verbal abuse is more hurtful then you could ever imagine. I haven’t cried, I won’t. I know if I start, I will never stop. This is exactly why I kept pushing him away, why I knew this was a bad idea. Now I’m in too deep, my heart doesn’t belong to me anymore, he owns it. So how the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? If I stay with Jax, I may never be looked at with respect as a photographer, but if I let him go, I will never be whole again.

  I lay my head back on the couch and look up at the ceiling. I haven’t talked to him once since he left my place. I need to get a new phone, since mine shattered when I dropped it. I have no idea if he’s tried to call, and I think that’s why I haven’t gotten a new one yet. I don’t want to know. I’d rather think he has, than have it and see he hasn’t. I told him to stay away, but now that he has, I’m even worse. Brinley has stayed over a few times, but she has a life she needs to get to, she can’t babysit me. Not to mention, she keeps telling me what an asshole I am for allowing this to get the best of me. I tried to remind her of how she felt with Josh, but she reminded me that we love each other, so it’s different. It’s like she’s been talking to Jax or some shit. My house phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. That’s right, I’m one of the few people that still have a house phone, but Braden suggested it when I moved in. I never use it though, so I know it’s him calling. “Hello?”

  “Hey, how are you?” He’s called me every day since it’s happened to check on me. Every time he calls, I try to talk about something else. He’s confessed to me that things with Sarah are getting worse, and he’s thinking of just coming home. I hate that he is hurting too, but damn it, I want him to come home. He’s even let Dawn call me a few times. When I hear her little voice, those are the only times I smile, but it makes me realize how much I miss her too. Tiffany is making noises in the background, and I can only imagine how big she’s gotten. “Kall?”

  “Sorry. I’m the same. So how are things there? Any better?” He sighs.

  “I wish you’d stop avoiding the question. Things here suck. Sarah is being a bitch, and we aren’t even sleeping in the same room. I’ve been sleeping in the room with the girls.” Shit, I didn’t know it was that bad. He needs to come home and start over.

  “Braden, sometimes things just don’t work out how we planned. I know you thought you’d be with her forever, but maybe you should come home now. I mean, I thought Jax and I had a future, but look at us.” He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and I think maybe he’s pissed I crossed that line.

  “Kallie, listen. The reason we aren’t working is because she doesn’t like this life. She feels like we rushed into marriage and kids. She wants to go out, party, and relive her youth. The reason you and Jax aren’t working is because you are pushing him away.” I go from feeling sorry for him to wanting to punch him in the throat in a second.

  “That’s not what is happening.” He cuts me right off.

  “Shut it and listen to me for a minute. You are pushing him away because you don’t like what people are saying. Why the fuck would you accept that? You’ve gone on Facebook every day reading what all these assholes say, but you haven’t once defended yourself, defended Jax. How do you expect it to work if you aren’t trying?”

  “I don’t see him on here defending
me, defending us. He said if this happened, he’d tell everyone that he loves me. He hasn’t said shit, so why should I?” I don’t understand why the fuck everyone is sticking up for Jax. I’m getting sick of hearing it. Not only are people on social media saying hurtful things, my own family and friends seem to want in on it.

  “Kall, have you tried to get in touch with him?” I feel the tears, but blink them back. I will not cry.

  “No, but he hasn’t either.”

  “How would you know that without a phone? Why don’t you think about talking to him? He’s probably hurting as much as you are.” I hate when he says things that make sense. “I’ve never seen you as happy as when you were with him. I’d hate for you to lose that because of some stupid bullshit. You know, it’s going to be old news soon, and when it is, what will you have? Nothing.” I get up to grab a drink to get this lump out of my throat.

  “It’s hard.” He laughs, and I’m back to wanting to hurt him.

  “Everything worth having is hard.” I lean against the counter and sip my water.

  “When did you get so damn smart?” We talk for a while longer until I hear Sarah yelling in the background. He sighs and tells me he’ll talk to me tomorrow, but not before telling me again to talk to Jax.

  As much as I miss him and want to call, I just can’t do it yet. I spend the majority of the day editing photos. The more I edit, the more I feel like I need to fight for myself. This is my life, my world, and Jax is a part of it, or at least I hope he still is. I haven’t posted anything on Facebook since the whole thing happened. Sure, I’ve been on torturing myself, but I haven’t posted any of my photos. I decide the first step in fighting for myself is getting on and posting a few of my photos. Maybe people will see that and stop. I log in, and just like it’s been every day since, I have a ton of notifications. I click on them to make it disappear, and I happen to see one from Jax. My heart starts pounding and my hands start sweating. I’m so nervous to see what it is. With a shaking hand, I click on it and wait for it to pop up. When it does, it’s a video. Above it, it says, “You want the truth, well, here it is.” Before I hit play, I notice that it’s been shared over three hundred times. Damn. I take a deep breath and press play.